I’ve wasted several hours this week reading through the names of teams at the classic Simpsons trivia nights that are held in certain restaurants in Chicago, Vancouver, Brooklyn, Toronto, and Hamilton, Ontario. Many of them are hilariously clever. Naturally, I started thinking up some of my own that I’d like to use, even though there is approximately no chance I will ever be able to attend one of these trivia nights.
Below are two lists of names: the ones I’ve thought of and the ones I’ve seen at the website above. My first one listed is the only one I’ve noticed among the actually used team names (after I thought of it! great minds think alike!). I often refer to Neil Arsenty or Chicago’s Pizzeria Serio in my hypothetical names because I live a few hours from Chicago and can at least dream of visiting Chicago sometime and attending their trivia night. Also I love the Simpsons Mixtape podcast, whose hosts regularly attend the one in Chicago, and the Worst Episode Ever podcast, whose hosts regularly attend and host the one in Brooklyn, respectively.
My hypothetical team names:
Oh, Neil. I’d be lying if I said my team wasn’t committing crimes [Alternative: Oh, Neil. I’d be lying if I said my team wasn’t cheating.]
We told you: we’re not Xena!
Or, in honor of its discoverer, the Teamahedron, hm-hey, hm-hey
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes—I mean no, no.
Tie good. You like trivia?
Ooh! Look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the trivia man, from Trivia Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaane!
Losin’ at trivia? Oh, you better believe that’s a paddlin’
Whaddya meeeeeean, the pizzeria’s out of money?
In America, forst you get the trivia, then you get the donuts, then you get the women.
There’s William Henry Harrison, “We lost by 30 points!”
Why must you turn this pizzeria into a house of LIES?
Tell you what: we drive all the way to Chicago and we lose miserably, I owe you a Coke.
“Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what’s your team’s name?” “I don’t know…”
I can’t believe it’s a trivia team
You know, I’ve had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but hosting Simpsons trivia, that gives me the best feeling of all.
We’re going out for trivia! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!
“We got first prize!” “You won first place at trivia?” “No, but we got it…….. Stealing is wrong.”
Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get trivia in it!
We watched all the classic Simpsons episodes really closely, so when we came to Classic Simpsons Trivia, the answers were stuck in our heads. It was like a whole different kind of cheating!
More testicles mean more iron
There’s very little meat in these trivia cards
I have had it with these trivia nights, Neil! The low score totals, team after team of ugly, ugly people.
If you want to play Simpsons trivia, and I mean really play it, you want the Carnivale
D’oh! A deer! A female deer!
No one would PRETEND to be a last-place Simpsons trivia team
“Johnny Tightlips, do you know the answer?” “Eh, I know a lot of things.”
Neil, this circle is you.
Mona Stevens, Penelope Olsen, Martha Stewart, and Muddie Mae Suggins
My favorites from the official trivia organization’s web page above:
Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermott, Jacob, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumer, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Qbert, Phil, Neil
Trivia at This Time of Year? At This Time of Day? In This Part of the Country? Localized Entirely Within This Pizzeria?
Mr. Arsenty? We All Have Nosebleeds
More Winnin’, Les Winen
Our Team May Be Ugly and Hate-filled, But Wait, What’s the Third Thing You Said?
Our Team No Function Beer Well Without
Our team’s low score is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem
They Slept, They Stole, They Were Rude To The Other Players. But Still, There Goes The Best Damn Team A Trivia Night Ever Saw
This Team Engaged in Intercourse with Your Spouse or Significant Other. Now THAT’S Trivia!
Our Team Name is Agnes. It Means Lamb! Lamb of God!
Remember Our Team Name? We’re Back In Pog Form!
The bottom rung of society now that that cold snap killed all those hobos
I for one would like to see the trivia questions in advance, I dont like the idea of the same team winning two months in a row
Looks like Rusty’s team got a discipline problem. Maybe that’s why we beat them at Simpsons Trivia nearly half the time…
This teams got a hot date… a date… dinner with friends… dinner alone… watching tv alone… ok ok, we’re gonna go to berry park general knowledge trivia. Buzz.. Simpsons trivia.. Ding. We don’t deserve this kinda shabby treatment
“You’re always trying to give me long trivia names. What is it with you?” “I just think they’re neat.”
Of course we could make the questions more challenging, but then the stupider teams will be in here furrowing their brow in a vain attempt to understand the situation
Your older, balder, fatter team
Das Trivia Team Ist Ein Nuisance Team!
We Wouldn’t Have Thought We Could Put a Price on Neil Arsenty’s Life, But Here We Are
Especially Lisa! But ESPECIALLY Bart
This one team seems to love the speedo man!
Chris, When You Participate in Simpsons Trivia, It’s Not Whether You Win or Lose, It’s How Drunk You Get
Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the 3 Demons You Must Slay if You Wish To Succeed In Trivia
Can I Borrow a Team Name?
Remember When We Went to Simpsons Trivia and We Forgot How to Drive? [I like this one a lot because I can imagine the whole bar saying, “That’s because you were drunk!” and the team responding, “And how!”]
Can I Have the Keys to the Car, Lover? I Want to Change Teams
The Seat Moisteners from Sector 7G
Trivia Involves Being a Bit Underhanded, a Bit Devious, a Bit—as the French Say—Bartesque
We’re a Family Team. A Happy Family. Maybe Single People Play Trivia. We Don’t Know. Frankly, We Don’t Want To Know. That’s One Market We Can Do Without
I’m Sorry If You Heard Disneyland, But I Distinctly Said Simpsons Trivia Night
Too Crazy for Trivia Town, Too Much Trivia for Crazy Town!
Forwards, Not Backwards! Upwards, Not Forwards! And Always Twirling, Twirling, Twirling Towards First Place!
Excuse me, our team is also named Bort
The Bort Identity
Stupid team name. Be more funny!
The Team From Kua…Kual Lam…France!
It was the best of teams, it was the blurst of teams?!
Go Ahead, First Place Team… Enjoy Your Donuts. Little Do You Know You’re Getting Closer to the Poison Donut!
Team ‘You Know Who’ Playing The Secret ‘Wink Wink’ At The ‘You Know What’
You Don’t Win Trivia With Salad
The Following Answers Are Lies, But They’re Entertaining Lies, And Isn’t That The Real Truth? The Answer Is No.
Which Two of these Popular Trivia Team Members Died in the Last Year? If You Guessed Kelly and Brian, You’d Be Wrong. They Were Never Popular
And I Come Before You Good People Tonight with a team name. Probably the greatest… oh it’s not for you, It’s more of a Shelbyville Team Name
Don’t Make Me Run, I’m Full of Pizza
Die Team Die
Ah Yes. Shake it, Dan. Capital Knockers
They Said They Made the Team Themselves… from a Bigger Team
Stupid Teams Need The Most Attention
This Team Must Be Good. They Don’t Need A Lot of Players, Or Even Correct Spelling
Union Rule 26: This Team Must Win Trivia at Least Once Regardless of Gross Incompetence, Obesity or Rank Odor
Doesn’t This Team Know Any Songs That Aren’t Commericals?
“Oh, Simpsons Trivia, That’s Cool” “Are You Being Sarcastic, Dude?” “I Don’t Even Know Anymore”
You Want Us To Show This Question To The Cat, And Have The Cat Tell You What It Is? ’Cuz The Cat’s Going To Get It!
The Greatest Team Ever Hula’ed
A Shiny New Donkey For The Team That Brings Us The Head of Colonel Montoya
There Are Too Many Teams Nowadays. Please Eliminate Three.
Why Would They Come To Simpsons Trivia Just To Boo Us?
Only Who Can Win at Trivia? You Have Selected “You”, Referring to Our Team. The Correct Answer is “You”
Persephone? People Don’t Want Trivia Teams Named After Hungry Old Greek Broads
The Extra B is For BYOBB. What’s The Second B For? Best Team Ever!
On This Team, We Obey The Laws Of Thermodynamics!
The Team That Was Eventually Rescued By…Oh, Let’s Say Moe
Our Team is Hatless, Repeat, Hatless
I hate every Dan I see, from Dan Mulhall to Dan Ozzi, no you’ll never make a Daniel out of me!!