John Petrie’s LifeBlag

I am amazed at how familiar the American public is with my favorite line from Not Another Teen Movie, “Oh, it’s already been broughten!” One of my friends made her Facebook status simply “bring it.” Of course, someone else commented before me with something like “it’s already been broughten.” But I still laughed, not so much at them but at one of my favorite parody movies. I know a lot of people who haven’t seen that movie, and it isn’t a really popular, famous, memorable movie, and it certainly didn’t get good reviews…but people sure know that line.

At some point on this public, personal web page, I suppose I should admit I’m not as big of a Jimmy Fallon detractor as most people. I got annoyed at his giggling and breaking of character on SNL in every single skit he was in, but whether people realize it or not, his impersonations are all very good, and the Jimmy Fallon/Tina Fey Weekend Update was, too.

So I have liked most of the clips of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon that I’ve seen online, but nothing prepared me for the blinding white light of brilliance that emanates from this clip. I first saw it posted on my friend’s Facebook page and have watched it about 10 times since.

Ahh, I don’t know why, but I found these pretty funny: rejected Mortal Kombat fatalities. Here’s the first one:

Also, see the 2nd one and the 3rd one.

This is a hilarious video of some guy playing a Super Mario Bros. game that was created with a level-designing program by some really sadistic son of a bitch. The hellishly difficult game play is entertaining enough, but the player’s commentary is absolute comedy gold. He sounds like he was born in Eastern Europe but grew up in New York. Incidentally, he seems extremely skilled at playing Super Mario Bros., but no one is a match for this game.

These are some of my favorite examples of technological impairment from the Parents Just Don’t Understand articles at CollegeHumor.com. The best ones are the ones you could never, ever make up.

My mom asked to see my pictures on Facebook. I thought about all the drinking pictures that are on it and then I thought about my mom’s computer skills. So I said, if you can find them by yourself, sure. I came back 5 minutes later and she had an empty Microsoft word document up. I think I’m safe.

Instead of using the kitchen timer option on the microwave to time whatever she’s baking, my Mom turns on the microwave and lets it run for the hour or so she’s baking something.

My girlfriend’s dad typed a huge letter out on the computer. After he was done, he printed it and decided the font was too small, so he erased the whole thing, changed the font size, and retyped it.

My mother claimed she could not read my latest email because her printer was broken.

My dad uses the word “video” every time he searches for something on Youtube.

My dad works from home, and often needs to receive updated blueprints. His office has now given him 2 different computers which I set up, and he refuses to turn on. Instead of including him on emails, they have to print their emails and fax them to him. In an odd twist the younger interns in the office had to spend 8 hours on a training day to learn to use a fax machine.

I sent my father a long Google link to a photo, and he proceeded to print out the actual web address. He thought the printer would “decode the link” and turn it into a photo.

I work in a small computer shop in my town. One day a woman walks in, and tells me she has a problem with her computer, that it has broken. I then ask her the problem and she shows it to me and describes her situation. She told me that she had been online, ordering something off the net, when she had put her card in and it hadn’t done anything, just got stuck. Naturally assuming it was something to do with the machine i start booting it up and examine things, this is when she asks me “can you get the card out first please,” curious i asked what she meant. It had turned out that with her limited computer knowledge that she had managed to go online, start ordering items, get to the checkout and wanting to pay with a credit card, she had push her card into the floppy drive. She never came back to the store, but did have to order a new floppy drive.

My cousin, who is my age, recently found a bunch of pictures of us when we were really little and she told my mom. My mom then called me and said “Leanne found some pictures of you two from a long time ago and is going to tag you on facebook, whatever that means. I guess you’re it.”

I bought my mom a new laptop for her birthday. As I’m showing it to her I explained that she needed a power outlet converter because the cord has the ground plug while none of her outlets have the ground inlet. At this point she stops and looks really confused. When I asked what was wrong she said, “Why do I have to plug it in. I thought it was wireless.” I explained that the wireless part is for the internet, but she needs to plug it in for power and to charge her battery. Her response: “So, what’s the difference between the internet and power?”

While my grandpa went online to manage his bank account, there was a box that read “sign here.” He either scrolled down the screen a few times or there was more than one box…his name and initials were written about three different times on the monitor. In ink.

My mom thought that an iPod worked like a cassette player. When I heard her complain that she had to listen to songs she really didn’t like on her playlist to get to the ones she wanted to hear, I suggested she just take those songs off her playlist. She replied with, “Well then I’ll just have to listen to 3 minutes of silence until the next song comes on.”

You know the little image with the wavy letters that sites use to make sure you’re not a robot? It can also be used to make sure you’re not my mom. I have to fill them out for her.

My dad doesn’t know how to send me e-mails. Instead, he just uses the customization feature on stuff like e-cards. I recently got an e-card of a cute kitten with the message “I transferred $100 into your account”.

Our printer ran out of ink, so my Mom bought a new printer.

My grandma kept complaining about how she couldn’t get her new alarm clock to stop displaying 12:00. I went up to her room and took the sticker off of the display screen.

My high school Spanish teacher, on multiple occasions, has been known to photocopy blank pieces of paper in order to get more blank pieces of paper. She’s completely oblivious to the fact that you can open the copier to take out the paper.

My mom thinks Google’s “Suggestions” are the only options available. If she’s trying to find something and it doesn’t come up in the suggestions, she’ll say, “Sorry, it’s not on the internet.”

My dad called me to ask about removing a virus from his computer. Somewhere in the middle of the instructions, he interrupted me to ask, “Are computer viruses man-made, or are they like real viruses?”

My mom was once using my desktop to check her email while I was away at school. I got a frantic phone call that afternoon because the mouse was at the edge of the mousepad but the “thingy” wasn’t at the edge of the screen.

I had fairly bad eyesight for most of my life, so I ended up getting Lasik eye surgery as soon as I was old enough and had enough money. My mom apparently never heard of this procedure, so she was amazed when I told her about it, and is now always asking me how many fingers she is holding up while she is right in front of me, and if I can see the license plate of cars that are up to a mile away. She also tells all of her friends about my amazing “super laser vision”.

I was watching “Jurassic Park” with my grandmother a few months ago. During one particularly scary moment she leans over to me and, with a very worried tone in her voice, asks, “The Dinosaurs…they’re only for the movie, right, they didn’t breed any extras?”

I was in a very dimly lit restaurant with my parents and I asked my mom what time it was. She took out her brand new iPhone (which has the time displayed in huge digits on the screen) and used it like a flashlight to read the time on her watch.

When my parents got the internet, I spent hours explaining how to type in a web address, but my dad still doesn’t understand that it has to be a real website to work. When I look at the previous addresses they read, “www.golfcoursesnearmyrtlebeach.com” or “www.insurancepoliciesforseniors.com”.

My dad got a cell phone a few months ago, but he never turns it on. He thinks that you get charged for every minute the phone is on.

I told my parents I wanted the new MacBook for school. Two weeks later I received “Macs for Dummies” in the mail.

My parents don’t have a debit card. Anytime they need cash, they make out a check to cash and go into the bank.

My mother has never sent, nor attempted to send me a text message ever before. Earlier today, I inexplicably found this waiting for me on my phone: “We r on ca nif eigh six mail gmom”. Anyone want to take a crack at what she meant to say?

My friend just got a text message from her mom that said: “What day do you come home question mark”

A friend of mine found a cell phone. She called the owner of the phone’s parents to see if they could get the phone back to their daughter. Five minutes after she got off the phone, a text message came through from the girls dad saying “Lizzy, some girl found your phone…call her at ***-***-**** to get your phone back”

I’ve worked at an internet company for about a year. One day, a lady called and told me her computer wouldn’t turn on no matter what she did. I said “Ok, can you look at the back of the computer and make sure the power cable is plugged in.” She responded, “Just give me a second, I have to find a flashlight because the power is out here at my house.”

My 75-year-old grandfather just bought a laptop so he could learn to use the Internet. I got an empty email from him yesterday, and the subject heading was, “Andrew what does it mean when it asks ‘are you sure you want to send an empty message’ when i click on the send button??? —-love grandad”

Every time my dad wants to check his email, he goes to Google, types in www.hotmail.com, hits search, and clicks on Hotmail. He recently told me he discovered a shortcut—he can just hit “I’m Feeling Lucky.”

My grandma always reminds me to turn my GPS off a few blocks before I get home “so that the man giving me directions doesn’t know where I live.”

Whenever my mom doesn’t feel like answering the phone and lets the machine get it, she makes everyone be really really quiet because she thinks that the person calling can hear us while they’re leaving a message.

My boss thinks that Google is slang for find. Just this week, I’ve heard him tell our interns to google old documents in our file cabinets, google meeting minutes saved on our server, and google some sugar packets for the coffee bar.

Mom’s Text Message: “Can u go 2 niketown to buy a Pacquia shirt 4 dad size lrg? B careful swine flu.”

My mother got my father a GPS for Christmas. He told me the reason why it wasn’t working in the house was because it couldn’t see the stars.

My dad thinks that he can only check an e-mail account on the computer he made it on. Therefore, he checks his work e-mail in his office and his personal e-mail on our house computer. It wouldn’t be that bad, but he works at home and those two computers are about 20 feet apart….

My mom has a contact in her cellphone named “?.akj.e0″

I showed my dad the BustedTee with Mao Tse Tung on it that reads, “LMAO” and he didn’t get it because he doesn’t know what LMAO means. I showed it to my mom, and she didn’t get it because she doesn’t know who Mao Tse Tung is. Which is worse?

My mom just got a Facebook account a few weeks ago and on Valentine’s Day she posted on my wall:”I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR VD!!!”

My grandma cannot grasp the functional purpose of a thermostat. She cranks it up when its cold, then proceeds to regulate the heat by opening and closing the windows.

I made the mistake of trying to explain Wikipedia to my grandmother. She’s now convinced that anybody can modify any website at will, and she won’t use Weather.com anymore because she’s worried that vandals will change the temperature on her.

I caught my father on google the other day typing in “show me snow machines”. I later found out that he starts any and all searches with the words “show me”, or “I want to see”.

My mom needed to transfer pictures from her digital camera onto her computer. After a few minutes, she was hopeless and asked me for help. I took out the memory card and put it in the computer. Nothing was on it. I hooked up the camera to the computer, but still, there were no pictures. Finally, I had to ask my mom what she had tried before she asked me for help. She put the camera’s batteries in the mouse.

My professor has tried to show different DVD’s in class for the past 4 weeks. She couldn’t get any of them to work so tonight she decided she was just going to show a VHS tape because “it’s simple and I know how to work it.” It took her 20 minutes to get it to show on the projector. Now she’s trying to turn the volume on. Class ends in 10 minutes.

While my mother was looking over my shoulder at an AIM conversation:
Mom: “What does LMAO mean?”
Me: “It’s an abbreviation”
Mom: “Let’s Make An Omelette”?

A few years ago my mom tried to call my brother and reached his voice mail. She left a 2-minute message calling out for him to pick up the phone, as if it was being played through his speaker phone.

The other day I was at work and an older lady came in and wanted to buy Firefox. I explained to her that Firefox was a free download. I then told her to find it by going to Google and searching for it. She told me, “I don’t have Google; I only have Yahoo.”

I was showing my mom how to get pictures from her camera to her computer. I told her to click on the desktop icon which she clicked once. I told her you have to double-click and she said, “Is that where you click something twice?”

My dad makes the subject for all of his emails “Hi, It’s Mitch.”

My mom sent me an email with the subject as my cell phone number. The email said “Is this a text?”

My mom deleted friends off Facebook in an attempt to free up her hard drive space.

I just saw an old guy working out with a discman inside a fanny pack.

My mom just got a new cell phone. She was setting up her voicemail on it and wanted to see if she did it correctly so she asked me to call her. I called her phone and she picked up so I told her to just let it go to voicemail. She said OK. I called back and she picked up again. This happened two more times until I took the phone away from her.

One time I opened a Firefox window, minimized it to look at something else, and then brought it back up again. My mom freaked out and yelled, “You just wasted twenty dollars!” “Huh?” I eloquently replied. “It costs twenty dollars every time you open up The Internet,” she continued. “Our plan costs twenty dollars.” I assured her that this was a monthly charge, but she remained unconvinced. She demanded that I repay her $20 for “wasting The Internet,” and then reminded me to “turn it off as soon as you’re done with it, we don’t want to use more than we absolutely need.”

I tried to teach my grandmother basic computer skills, but I wasn’t able to get anywhere with her because she kept rotating the mouse on the mouse-pad. She thought you had to steer it like a car when you wanted the pointer to go someplace.

My grandfather literally used the screen as a mousepad because he thought the cursor was controlled by the mouse being on the screen.

My dad has a Zune.

The only worthwhile thing that Fark.com has given me in a long time is this discussion thread about this completely pointless, worthless, empty news article. This thread is comedy gold. The comments posted below the article itself were hilarious until the newspaper’s mods deleted all of them. If you read the Fark thread, you can find some of the funnier comments that they copied and pasted from the article’s comments section (most of which were undoubtedly written by Farkers).

Where did the name Windows 7 come from? I thought maybe it was just a working title until they could come up with something clever to market it as, and then when I kept hearing about it I figured people like the number 7 so they left it as Windows 7. But I count eight previous versions of the Windows operating system that have been pretty successful and widely used: Windows 3.1, 95, 98, NT, 2000, Me, XP, and Vista. Obviously there was a version 1 and a version 2, so with them added I really don’t understand where the 7 comes from. Microsoft General Manager Mike Nash said in a blag post that it was the seventh release of Windows, so therefore “Windows 7″ just makes sense. Maybe NT, 2000, and Me all counted as one?

Speaking of Windows, this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.

The entry for Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country was the featured article on the Wikipedia home page on October 6. Freakin’ sweet. I LOVE that movie. Probably my favorite Star Trek movie and definitely in my top 10 or 20 favorite movies of all time. Please don’t read any of the plot summary if you aren’t familiar with it. You should get ahold of the DVD’s of Star Trek 2, 3, 4, and 6, and watch them in close succession. You will discover a strong appreciation for the Star Trek universe.

I am not as good of a speller as I was when I was a child. This kind of disturbs me because I feel it is indicative of reduced perspicacity and failure to pay attention to detail as well as I used to. Maybe my mind is lazier or doesn’t retain information as solidly as it used to. That shouldn’t start happening until I’m really old, like, my parents’ age. I never had a photographic memory or anything, but I used to be able to look at a word once and pretty reliably spell it for years and years after that. (This certainly wasn’t 100% true, and it didn’t help me win any spelling bees, as I missed simple words that I had read numerous times before. In 4th grade, I won my class’s spelling bee but lost in the school-wide competition by spelling apology “apolagy”, and in 5th grade I expected to win my class’s competition again so I must not have studied very much, and I misspelled balcony as “balcany” on my first word of the day! Identical errors, two years in a row, but I didn’t actually think balcony was spelled that way; it was more like a typo than an error of thought or memory. It was a speak-o. “A” rushed out of my mouth when I knew “O” belonged there.) Now I forget all kinds of things I used to know and should have retained. I don’t expect to spell everything right, but words like “broccoli”, “accommodate”, and “preferable” have really enraged me in recent months. I haven’t misspelled “privilege” in a long while. That’s good.

(Btw, the one and only reason I would ever use the word perspicacity in speech or writing is because Lisa Simpson uses it to great humorous effect in the episode “Lisa the Simpson”: “Oh, my god! I’m losing my perspicacity!”)

One of the five or so country songs that I like is “Alcohol” by Brad Paisley. Only recently did I understand all the lyrics of the chorus, because of a Jack Daniels commercial I saw. The chorus begins, “Ever since I left Milwaukee, Lynchburg, Bordeaux, France/I’ve been making the bars lots of big money/And helping white people dance….” I didn’t understand the word Lynchburg. I thought it could have been Pittsburgh, but that didn’t make any sense and it didn’t sound like a P at the beginning, so I was pretty much clueless. And then I saw a Jack Daniels commercial that showed a close-up of the bottle, and the label said, “Lynchburg, Tennessee.” So I knew he was referring to Jack Daniels whiskey at that part. I don’t quite think beer originated in Milwaukee or wine in France any more than whiskey originated in Tennessee, so…I’m not too sure about that chorus.

Speaking of alcohol, there’s a professor here at the medical school who must be kind of a lush (then again, lots of them are) because he is a regular at one of my favorite bars, and somehow he is well-known for ordering a hazelnut daiquiri at happy hour every week before he gets into his beer drinking. It’s like his schtick. I saw him there last Friday, and I don’t know him personally, so I didn’t say anything, but he sat close to where I was at the bar. Somehow I felt privileged to witness him first-hand saying, “I’ll have the regular, [I forget bartender's name], my hazelnut daiquiri.” The bartender said, “Sorry to disappoint, but we were clean out of hazelnuts. Try this instead, on the house.” The doctor looked kind of annoyed and silently drank it. He said, emotionless, “Hmm. Pecans?” The bartender responded, “Nope. It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!” Rimshot!

Link of the day: The Parents Just Don’t Understand series from CollegeHumor.com. Some of the items therein are truly hilarious.

This was one of my favorite Chris Farley skits on Saturday Night Live. Chris Farley’s first line is the best part.

Ah, those Comedy Central roasts. Did you watch any of them when Comedy Central re-aired them last week? Sure, they’re not quite up to the standard of those Friars Club roasts that were broadcast in the early 2000′s, and probably not nearly as raucous and hilarious as the old ones in the ’50s and ’60s, but I like most of them. I’ve found that, other than the quality of the roasters themselves (obviously), the main thing that makes a comedy roast great to watch is the enthusiasm of the roastee. In the ones Comedy Central put on, it seemed to me that Bob Saget and Flavor Flav were just having a ball and got more of a kick out of it than any other guest of honor. That helped make those roasts the best of the bunch. Pamela Anderson and her demented sidekick Courtney Love are dense as concrete and didn’t quite seem to understand the point of a comedy roast featuring professional insult comics that would be aired on television, and it was hard to tell what Bill Shatner and Joan Rivers thought of theirs because their facial expressions rarely changed—Shatner because he was just smiling and laughing incredulously the whole time and Rivers because of her numerous plastic surgeries. (Which is kind of sad more than humorous.)

While I came to think of Jeffrey Ross as the best roaster out there after his performances in the Friars Club roasts, I think that distinction now belongs to Greg Giraldo because of his performances in the Comedy Central roasts. He’s always the first roaster and he’s always hilariously mean. My favorite of his roast jokes is the one about Brian Posehn in the Bob Saget roast:

John Scalzi is pretty much awesome as a blagger; I am now tempted to further investigate his merits as a novelist. He blags at the Sci-Fi Scanner, which is, oddly enough, part of AMC television’s website. His last two posts were devoted to exposing and criticizing design flaws in the futuristic technology of Star Wars and Star Trek, respectively. Some samples from his Star Wars post:

R2-D2
Sure, he’s cute, but the flaws in his design are obvious the first time he approaches anything but the shallowest of stairs. Also: He has jets, a periscope, a taser and oil canisters to make enforcer droids fall about in slapsticky fashion—and no voice synthesizer. Imagine that design conversation: “Yes, we can afford slapstick oil and tasers, but we’ll never get a 30-cent voice chip past accounting. That’s just madness.”
[...]
Death Star
An unshielded exhaust port leading directly to the central reactor? Really? And when you rebuild it, your solution to this problem is four paths into the central core so large that you can literally fly a spaceship through them? Brilliant. Note to the Emperor: Someone on your Death Star design staff is in the pay of Rebel forces. Oh, right, you can’t get the memo because someone threw you down a huge exposed shaft in your Death Star throne room.
[...]
Midi-Chlorians
Oh, man, don’t get me started. Except to say this: If in fact a high concentration of midi-chlorians is the difference between being a common schmoe and being a dude who can Force Choke his enemies, the black market in midi-chlorian injections must be amazing.

Here are some items from his Star Trek list:

The Alien Probe of Star Trek IV
The programming of this probe is even more simple than that of V’Ger, and could be written in four lines in the BASIC programming language:

10. GOTO Earth
20. INPUT “I can has humpback whalez?” A$
30. IF A$=”no” THEN GOTO 40
40. DESTROY EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING

I’m pretty sure this is not optimal design.
[...]
Uniforms
You have your choice: Velouresque pajamas and miniskirts (resurrected for the 2009 reboot), burgundy jackets with puffy blouses (Treks II – VI), or progressively unflattering jumpsuits (Treks VII – X). Do Starfleet personnel ever stop what they’re doing, look at each other, and ask, “Who dresses us?” They should.

On the whole, the design flaws in Star Wars struck me as much more grievous than the ones in Star Trek.

I loved today’s xkcd comic. It’s funny ’cause it’s true. When my friends ask me to fix something on their computer (probably most often my roommate with her internet connection), I don’t really know what to do ahead of time. I don’t have any specific plan of action, I don’t know all the possible problems that could exist, and I don’t have a list of solutions to try in order of their likelihood of solving the problem. I just go to the control panel or Google and click around.

This is so funny and corny that it’s cool. This is a great old-school rap song from Sir Mix-a-Lot’s album Mack Daddy, which contained “Baby Got Back.” I don’t know of any other albums he ever recorded, but it doesn’t matter because that was the only noteworthy one. My little brother had (probably still has) that CD and I borrowed it once when I was younger. I found “Swap Meet Louie” to be a fun and very early-90′s type of rap song, so I kind of liked it and remembered it; years later when I had my own computer, ripped it to my hard drive and I’ve had the mp3 file of it ever since. And how could you not like a rap song that included the immortal line, “I’m sockin’ more fools than Patrick Swayze”?

Urban Dictionary tells me a swap meet is a place where people come to buy, sell, and/or trade various goods. You can find all kinds of goods at these types of places including electronics, clothes, furniture and so on. Similar to a flea market.

*SPOKEN*

“Hey, homeys!”
“Who me?”
“Yeah, that’s right. You the fly hustler.”
“Ah, y’all still sellin’ that fake Louie, huh?”
“Hey! Don’t be tryin’ to highside up in here. You don’t even got the dope.”
“Oh, baby, I don’t need to highside, just give me some khakis and I’m straight.”
“Tryin’ dis me, old raggy, rooty-poot, runned-up gangsta? Who you think you are, M.C. Hammer? You can’t afford this Louis Vuitton!”
“What do you mean I can’t afford it? Why I wanna try to afford some old fake Louie? Baby, if that’s real Louie, I’m Tom Cruise.”
“Excuse me, I’d like to buy something.”
“You don’t know jack about this Louie. Take your sorry self over booth number 2 for the crack pipe.”
“Yeah, alright. I got your crack pipe right here, baby. Get off my tail…”

*RAP*

Woah, Louis Vuitton never made a sweatsuit
But you’re swearin’ up and down that you got the Louie boot
So you roll to the swap meet, girlfriend buttless
Rip phantom top on your ’76 Cutlass.
In the shop Louis V is what you seek
Black Knight Cortez slippin’ on your feet
You’re saggin’, drooped like a bawla
Your girl starts walkin’ towards the counter, so you call her.
“Oooh, this is on. Why don’t you get this for me?”
Every time you hit the swap meet, it’s “gimme, gimme, gimme.”
A little old lady in the back starts to creep, she’s deep
Through Kazellis she peeks
Her name is Mary Pong and she’s got it goin’ on
Swap meet weed, with the swap meet thongs
Leather miniskirt with the oriental draw
Little Mary Pong is raw.
She said, “I wanna make your girlfriend look good.”
Start buying all your Louie in the hood
And your sprung, on the two-for-one
Fake Louie at the swap meet, son.
Now, you know brown Louie is played
But you’re drunk and you just got paid
So you bought the gear, and little Mary said, “See ya.”
Little did you know it was “Made in Korea?!”

Swap Meet Louie, Swap Meet Louie
That’s right, tell em homeys
Swap Meet Louie, Swap Meet Louie
Right here, baby
Swap Meet Louie, Swap Meet Louie
What you need?
Swap Meet Louie, Swap Meet Louie
You don’t know jack about this Louie

Victim number two: a rich young couple from Bellevue.
Welcome to the swap meet, another dumb couple ’bout to get beat.
Out came little Mary Pong, she had the big Louie V gear on.
The couple got sprung and the wife wants some
Louie V hat with the diamonds.
Shes thinkin’ she got that deal, two-for-one is a steal
The hat mighta had a LV on the back
But at the swap meet that ain’t jack.
But she bought it, cost about three hun’
Mary Pong said, “You’re the one.”
But when the girl’s Louie got wet she started complainin’
Baby girl’s Louie start fadin’.
Now she’s tryin’ to take it back
But the swap meet don’t play that
‘Cause when a customer tries to intimidate,
Mary Pong pulls a .38.
She ain’t about to get bum-rushed
She’s strapped and she’s ready to bust.
But at the swap meet you don’t pay tax
They’re movin’ out fake Louie by the batch.

Swap Meet Louie, clockin’ lotsa dollas
Swap Meet Louie, we all got gold
Swap Meet Louie, black silk jackets
Swap Meet Louie, rich flaunt clout
Swap Meet Louie, Swap Meet Louie
Swap Meet Louie, Swap Meet Louie

Me and Attitude Adjuster step smooth in a swap meet
Buying much gear for the feet
When we spot Mary Pong with a blank face
Selling bootleg Mix-a-Lot tapes
The brother bought the tape and kept steppin’
And Mary Pong starts lookin’ for a weapon.
I got a plan and I’m about to use it
What’s up with the bootleg music?
Mary Pong is about to get jacked
She had a stack of big bootleg racks.
Me and Attitude creep like snakes
Grab the tapes and the Louie and break.
The whole swap meet went crazy,
I’m sockin’ more fools than Patrick Swayze
Toss a mess of fake Louie in the trunk
Hit the gas and the tach just sunk.
Like that, I’m outta there
Swift brothers like to roll in pairs
So we jet to the boulevard fast
Slingin’ swap meet Louie for cash.

Swap Meet Louie
That’s right, tell ‘em, homeys
Swap Meet Louie
Right here, baby
Swap Meet Louie
What you need?
Swap Meet Louie
You don’t got money?
Swap Meet Louie
Start steppin’, Leroy

This is even better than Homer Simpson in the Land of Chocolate. I’ve thought this was absolutely brilliant since the first time I saw it, on TV about 10 or 12 years ago. The best part is hearing the audience catch on to what they’re parodying. True, the “audience” is probably a fake laugh track, but they utilized it perfectly.

Ahhh, I had forgotten about this page. I recently found it in a Fark discussion thread making fun of modern art. Good humor for a bad week.

This is one of my favorite scenes in all of television, ever. And here’s a funny anecdote about it, which I heard in the commentary to the episode on DVD: The writer, Jon Vitti, wanted to include a street sign in the Land of Chocolate that said Hershey Highway, but the censors vetoed that. And, see, that’s stupid, because who’s it going to offend? Children? Who don’t even get that it’s a sexual joke? If you get the joke, it isn’t inappropriate for you, and if you don’t get it, you won’t notice and therefore are incapable of being the slightest bit offended. Censors are morons, but the writers and animators of this episode are brilliant:

Apparently Bonnaroo is some hippie music festival like a modern Woodstock or something, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog meandered the grounds making fun of the fans for his first appearance on the Tonight Show:

Everything involving Norm MacDonald is glorious. His standup was awesome, he was better than all the other Weekend Update anchors combined, and he cracks Conan up every time he’s on his show. Here are the two halves of his most recent appearance on the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. He has nothing going on and nothing to promote; he’s just Norm and he’s funny and he’s always a worthy guest.

Also: check out the audio clip of Norm MacDonald’s parody of the origin of the Fantastic Four, the top item in my Humor links on the right side of the page.