The Greatest

Miscellaneous Quotes

Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
-Paul Hornung, Green Bay Packers running back, when asked why his wedding was held in the morning

My mother said to me, “If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.” Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
-Pablo Picasso

It is fun being in the same decade with you.
-Franklin Roosevelt, in a letter to Winston Churchill

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-David Daye

(I’d probably say those first four are my four favorite of all time.)

No sane man will dance.
-Marcus Tullius Cicero

Winners compare their achievements with their goals, while losers compare their achievements with those of other people.
-Nido Qubein

Whatever you are, be a good one.
-Abraham Lincoln

African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer
The Onion headline (That is the funniest thing I&#8217ve ever seen on The Onion!)

…it would be very singular that all nature, all the planets, should obey eternal laws, and that there should be a little animal five feet high, who, in contempt of these laws, could act as he pleased, solely according to his caprice.

To be pleased with one’s limits is a wretched state.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge.
Elbert Hubbard

It is far more odious to say too much than it is to say too little.

Beware of the man who does not drink.

He who moves not forward, goes backward.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.
-Edward Gibbon

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
-Jay Leno

Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.
-Shelby Metcalf, Texas A&M basketball coach, to a player who received four F’s and a D

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner

The other night I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Mastery is often taken for egotism.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Oscar Wilde

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
-W.C. Fields

All knowledge is of itself of some value. There is nothing so minute or inconsiderable that I would not rather know it than not.
-Samuel Johnson

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Steven Wright

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
-Steven Wright

Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward; they may be beaten, but they may start a winning game.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most birthdays live the longest.
-Larry Lorenzoni

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams

Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom, in the pursuit of truth as in the endeavour after a worthy manner of life.
-Bertrand Russell

Altogether national hatred is something peculiar. You will always find it strongest and most violent where there is the lowest degree of culture.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We will have peace with the Arabs when they love their children more than they hate us.
-Golda Meir

Give me a museum and I’ll fill it.
-Pablo Picasso

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Mark Twain

It is wiser to find out than suppose.
Mark Twain

I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it.
-Steven Wright

Beer is something that you have for refreshment when you don’t want to really drink. It helps men to communicate without making you fall over and beat up your wife and do other terrible things.
-Richard Musson in a news article, on the Russian Duma declaring beer a soft drink

We can lick gravity, but the paperwork’s a bit tougher.
-Wernher von Braun

Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby in a month.
-Wernher von Braun

Damn it, Smithers, this isn’t rocket science; it’s brain surgery!
-Mr. Burns, “Treehouse of Horror II”

A wise man never knows all; only fools know everything.

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde

I’m glad we don’t have to play in the shade.
-Bobby Jones, golfer, when told it was 105&#176 in the shade

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-Douglas Adams

I don’t care to belong to any organization that accepts me as a member.
-Groucho Marx

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

I try. I fail. I try again. I fail better.
-Samuel Beckett

A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.
-Kahlil Gibran

No bird soars too high, if he soars with his own wings.
-William Blake

Speak softly and carry a big stick.
-Theodore Roosevelt

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”
Steven Wright

We can be knowledgeable with other men’s knowledge but we cannot be wise with other men’s wisdom.
-Michel de Montaigne

It’s not so much what folks don’t know that causes problems; it’s what they do know that ain’t so.
-Artemus Ward

If my theory of relativity is proven correct, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew.
Albert Einstein

A wise man hears one word and understands two.
-Jewish proverb

Shoot for the Moon because even if you miss, at least you’ll drift aimlessly through space for the rest of your natural life.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
H.L. Mencken

“Love” is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
Robert A. Heinlein (Jubal Harshaw, Stranger in a Strange Land)

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
H.L. Mencken

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
-Wernher von Braun

Sometimes I think we’re alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we’re not. In either case the idea is quite staggering.
-Arthur C. Clarke

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.
Albert Einstein

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for one that does him in.
-Casey Stengel

Unless a man feels he has a good enough memory, he should never venture to lie.
-Michel de Montaigne

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
-Samuel Butler

Let thy speech be better than silence, or be silent.
-Dionysus the Elder

World ends; women, minorities hardest hit.
-proposed New York Times headline

Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.)
Robert A. Heinlein

Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others.
Winston Churchill

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear&#8212not absence of fear.
Mark Twain

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
Robert A. Heinlein

When all is said and done, as a rule, more is said than done.
-Lou Holtz

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.
-Dorothy Parker

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
-Dorothy Parker, when asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence

You lose.
-Calvin Coolidge, to a newspaper reporter who bet him he could make him say three words

How can they tell?
-Dorothy Parker, on the news that Calvin Coolidge had died

Learning isn’t a means to an end; it’s an end in and of itself.
Robert A. Heinlein

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
-Steven Wright (just think about it for a minute)

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter&#8212it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.
Mark Twain

In matters of style, swim with the current;
In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
Thomas Jefferson

Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.
-Aldous Huxley

That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history.
-Aldous Huxley

History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot.
Mark Twain

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-Steven Wright

Beware the dog who doesn’t bark; he will be the first one to bite.
-German proverb

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Mark Twain

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it&#8212and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Mark Twain

Diplomacy is the art of saying, “Nice doggie,” until you can find a rock.
-Will Rogers

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
-Will Rogers

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
-Francis Bacon

We ought to send one of our good ol’ boys to the British Open to give TV viewers some real excitement, like: “He must’ve hit that sucker a mile, but it landed in the weeds out yonder by that ditch with sand in it.”
-The Vent

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
-Karl Marx

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
-Blaise Pascal

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-Gilbert Keith Chesterton

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
-Ronald Reagan, testing a radio microphone, 1984

Anna Nicole said she “had a slender model inside of her.” I’m guessing that was what she had for lunch.
-The Vent

Inside me, there&#8217s a thin woman trying to get out. Luckily, I can shut her up with chocolate.
-The Vent

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
-Andre Gide

The fool wonders, the wise man asks.
-Benjamin Disraeli

The secret of success is this: there is no secret of success.
Elbert Hubbard

Life is just one damned thing after another.
Elbert Hubbard

Folks who never do any more than they are paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.
Elbert Hubbard

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
Elbert Hubbard

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
Elbert Hubbard

You have enemies? Good. That means you&#8217ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill

Thoroughness characterizes all successful men. Genius is the art of taking infinite pains. All great achievement has been characterized by extreme care, infinite painstaking, even to the minutest detail.
Elbert Hubbard

A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (Apparently this doesn’t apply to my quotes lists, but, oh, well…)

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

It is necessary to try to surpass oneself always; this occupation ought to last as long as life.
-Christina, Queen of Sweden

If we take anything out of the pledge, take out the word “indivisible” and then kick out California.
-The Vent

There’s nothing wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
-Ross McDonald

It’s better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt.
-Abraham Lincoln

We’re not giving away any football players who could hurt us later. I don’t mind people thinking I’m stupid, but I don’t want to give them any proof.
-Bum Phillips, Houston Oilers coach

When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt.
-Henry J. Kaiser

The first person you should distrust is the one who says he would never lie.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked.
-Groucho Marx

Never trust a man who speaks well of everybody.
-John Churton Collins

It is bad enough that so many people believe things without any evidence. What is worse is that some people have no conception of evidence and regard facts as just someone else’s opinion.
Thomas Sowell

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
-Arthur C. Clarke

No one wants to learn from mistakes, but we cannot learn enough from successes to go beyond the state of the art.
-Henry Petroski

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not, “Eureka!” (“I found it!”) but rather, “Hmm… that’s funny…”
Isaac Asimov

Hell no. When I die I want to be sick.
-Abe Lemons, Texas football coach, when asked if he jogs

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
-Samuel Butler

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.
-Samuel Butler

The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
-Albert Szent-Györgyi

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
-Samuel Johnson

You ask, What is our policy? I will say; “It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us: to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy.” You ask, What is our aim? I can answer with one word: Victory&#8212victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival.
Winston Churchill

We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and the oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
Winston Churchill

The problems of victory are more agreeable than the problems of defeat, but they are no less difficult.
Winston Churchill

The person who is slowest in making a promise is most faithful in its performance.
-Jean-Jacques Rousseau

What is the use of a new-born child?
Benjamin Franklin, when asked the use of a new invention

Don’t be afraid to take a big step when one is indicated. You can’t cross a chasm in two small steps.
-David Lloyd George

The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor.
-Vincent T. Lombardi

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.
-Vincent T. Lombardi

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?
Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.
-Abraham Lincoln

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.

I’m no different from anyone else with two arms, two legs, and 4200 hits.
-Pete Rose

I’d get real close to him and breathe on his goggles.
-Johnny Kerr, on how he would guard Kareem Abdul-Jabaar

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I shall not put.
Winston Churchill

A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
Winston Churchill

I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
-Lou Holtz

Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.
-Joe Adcock, Milwaukee Braves first baseman

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-George Carlin

I met a guy who was half Italian and half Chinese. His name was Video Pong.

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Mark Twain

Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was three feet.
-Woody Hayes, Ohio State football coach

My wife made me a millionaire. I used to have three million.
-Bobby Hull

Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.
-Dale Carnegie

Take care of the large problems and the small ones will tend not to bother you.

Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
-Dale Carnegie

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie

I had a better year than he did.
-Babe Ruth, on why President Hoover made less than the $80,000 Ruth was demanding in 1930

Before you can win a game, you have to not lose it.
-Chuck Noll, Pittsburgh Steelers coach

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”
-Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
-Robert Byrne

The good thing about stereotypes is they’re usually true.

We seem to have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
-The Vent

Act that your principle of action might safely be made a law for the whole world.
-Immanuel Kant

Mutation is random; natural selection is the very opposite of random.
-Richard Dawkins

Last season we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
-Harry Neale, NHL coach

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
-Tommy Lasorda

I tell him, “Attaway to hit, George,”
-Jim Frey, Kansas City Royals manager, on the advice he gives George Brett on hitting

How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
Dave Barry

I left because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.
-John Ralston, former Denver Broncos coach

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
-Jane Austen

The best way to turn a woman’s head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.
-Sacha Guitry

It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain.
Mark Twain

Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.
H.L. Mencken

If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.
-Erica Jong

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.

It will contribute towards one’s object, who wishes to acquire a facility in the gaining of knowledge, to doubt judiciously.

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
-Ren&#233 Descartes

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.
-Francis Bacon

The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.

Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think.
-Chinese proverb

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.
-Linus Pauling

The youth gets together his materials to build a bridge to the moon, or, perchance, a palace or temple on the earth, and, at length, the middle-aged man concludes to build a woodshed with them.
Henry David Thoreau

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Winston Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

Blind people come to the park just to listen to him pitch.
-Reggie Jackson, on Tom Seaver

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
-Pearl Williams

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
-Steven Wright

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
-Lyall Watson

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
-Henny Youngman

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
-Henny Youngman

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth&#8212that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one.
H.L. Mencken

A good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain, definition of golf

Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
-W. Somerset Maugham

Great innovators and original thinkers and artists attract the wrath of mediocrities as lightning rods draw the flashes.
-Theodor Reik

Baseball wasn’t invented. It was discovered. A game so perfect could only have been devised by God, to be discovered by man.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night.
Steven Wright

We weren’t trying to walk him; he just wouldn’t swing at any bad pitches.
-Bobby Cox, on the Braves walking Barry Bonds 7 times in a series

Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.
-Maya Angelou

Who’s the one guy who thinks we can do it?
-Mike Gottfried, Kansas football coach, on learning that the odds against Kansas winning the Big Eight were 100 to 1

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
-Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-Steven Wright

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.
-Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone.
-Steven Wright

Women: can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em.
-Steven Wright

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry

It’s about this Mormon who somehow becomes a porn star.
-Chris Gray, summarizing for me the Trey Parker/Matt Stone movie “Orgazmo”

I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it.
-Rogers Hornsby

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
-Lady Nancy Astor

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
-Bill Cosby

Beauty is only skin-deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
-Parker’s Law

I haven’t been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake.
-Bob Hudson

Start slow and taper off.
-Walt Stack, on life

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-Edgar Bergen

Adolescence is the stage between infancy and adultery.

Of course it’s possible that there really ISN’T any shadow government. The whole thing could be a phony story that was fed to The Washington Post to mislead our enemies. As you recall, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently admitted that the Pentagon had set up an office&#8212officially named “The Office of Disinformation”&#8212that was supposed to put out false statements to the media, thus throwing our enemies off the track. For example, if we were getting ready to attack Iraq, officials of the Office of Disinformation would hold a press conference and state: “Well, we’re certainly not going to attack Iraq!” The news media would report this, and Iraq would relax. (France, meanwhile, would surrender.)
Dave Barry

Meanwhile, in nearby Italy, Christopher Columbus was forming. As a youth, he spent many hours gazing out to sea and thinking to himself: “Someday I will be the cause of a holiday observed by millions of government workers.” The fact that he thought in English was only one of the amazing things about the young Columbus. Another was his conviction that if he sailed all the way across the Atlantic, he would reach India. We now know, thanks to satellite photographs, that this makes him seem as stupid as a buffalo, although it sounded pretty good when Columbus explained it to the rulers of Spain, Ferdinand and his lovely wife, Imelda, who agreed to finance the voyage by selling six thousand pairs of her shoes.
Dave Barry


Here’s a simple experiment that you might want to try if there is absolutely nothing else going on in your life. All you need is a cork, a bar magnet, and a pail of water. Simply attach your magnet to your cork, then drop it into the water, and voilà (literally, “you have a compass”)&#8212you have a compass. How does it work? Simple. Notice that, no matter which way you turn the bucket, the cork always floats on top of the water (unless the magnet is too heavy). Using this scientific principle, early hardy mariners were able to tell at a glance whether they were sinking!
Dave Barry

He went to an area that he called Virginia, in honor of the fact that it was located next to West Virginia, and he established a colony there, and then&#8212this was the darnedest thing&#8212he lost it. “Think!” his friends would say. “Where did you see it last?” But it was no use, and this particular colony is still missing today. Sometimes you see its picture on milk cartons.
Dave Barry, on Sir Walter Raleigh

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

He&#8217s a fool who cannot conceal his wisdom.
Benjamin Franklin

Darwin and NASCAR do not mix.
-Eric von Haessler of The Regular Guys, a NASCAR fan

It helps if the hitter thinks you’re a little crazy.
-Nolan Ryan

It’s not premarital sex if you don’t plan to get married.
-The Vent

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
-a T-shirt at

Q. As a fourth-year medical student, I am wondering if there is any way to remember the difference between “prostrate” and “prostate.”

A. We contacted the Mayo Clinic, which informs us that surgeons there use this simple poem:
If two R’s are found, it is down on the ground
If one R is on hand, then it is a gland

Dave Barry

Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.
Robert A. Heinlein

I will follow the right side even to the fire, but excluding the fire if I can.
-Michel de Montaigne

Animals can learn, but it is not by learning that they become dogs, cats, or horses. Only man has to learn to become what he is supposed to be.
Eric Hoffer

We often use strong language not to express a powerful emotion but to evoke it in us.
Eric Hoffer

The supreme irony of life is that no one gets out of it alive.
Robert A. Heinlein

That something happened to you is of no importance to anyone, not even to you. The important thing about you is what you choose to make happen&#8212your values and choices. That which happened by accident&#8212what family you were born into, in what country, and where you went to school&#8212is totally unimportant.
Ayn Rand

If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who can do creative work, never force an idea; you’ll abort it if you do. Be patient and you’ll give birth to it when the time is ripe. Learn to wait.
Robert A. Heinlein

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
-A.A. Milne

Anything in any way beautiful derives its beauty from itself, and asks nothing beyond itself. Praise is no part of it, for nothing is made worse or better by praise.
-Marcus Aurelius

Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst.

Teachers who offer you the ultimate answers do not possess the ultimate answers, for if they did, they would know that the ultimate answers cannot be given, they can only be received.
-Tom Robbins

“Too late.”
-Douglas MacArthur’s axiom that all military disasters are explained by two words

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done.
-Aaron Burr

I like vengeance as much as the next guy, if the next guy likes vengeance a whole lot….
-Jonah Goldberg

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck by the difference between what things are and what they might have been.
-William Hazlitt

To have is nothing; to earn is everything.

Common sense is not so common.

But it is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.
-Herman Melville

Wouldn’t it be interesting to have an occasional zebra in a horse race?
-The Vent

The worst thing life could be is easy.

The best way I know to win an argument is to start by being in the right.
-Lord Halishan

The first Indian to hear a train thought it sounded like a tornado.
-The Vent (I’m sure they copied it from someone)

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Dave Barry

How do you delete the Recycle Bin?
-Adam Schroeder, posing the great philosophical question of the 21st century, a modern conundrum to rival the old Buddhist question, “What’s the sound of one hand clapping?”

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Steven Wright

My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
-Steven Wright

Now, I ain’t sayin’ he should have killed her…but I understand.
-Chris Rock, on O.J.

If there is no struggle there is no progress.
-Frederick Douglass

The man who doesn’t know what the universe is doesn’t know where he lives.
-Marcus Aurelius

The scientist does not study nature because it is useful; he studies it because he delights in it, and he delights in it because it is beautiful. If nature were not beautiful, it would not be worth knowing, and if nature were not worth knowing, life would not be worth living.
-Henry Poincaré

Pride is an established conviction of one’s own paramount worth in some particular respect; while vanity is the desire of rousing such a conviction in others. Pride works from within; it is the direct appreciation of oneself. Vanity is the desire to arrive at this appreciation indirectly, from without.
-Arthur Schopenhauer

Do not free a camel of the burden of his hump: you may be freeing him from being a camel.
-Gilbert Keith Chesterton

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Mark Twain

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work.
Mark Twain

There is perhaps no phenomenon which contains so much destructive feeling as moral indignation, which permits envy or hate to be acted out under the guise of virtue.
-Erich Fromm

Not what I have, but what I do is my kingdom.
-Thomas Carlyle

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
-M. Kathleen Casey

It is in meeting the great tests that mankind can most successfully rise to great heights. Out of danger and restless insecurity comes the force that pushes mankind to newer and loftier conquests.
Isaac Asimov, The End of Eternity

Oral sex should be an Olympic sport. Why? Because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re any good at it, you deserve a medal.
-Lewis Black

If you can’t answer a man’s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
Elbert Hubbard

Several months ago, out of the blue, a company named “Cingular” started sending me bills. I had never heard of Cingular, and I honestly did not know what these bills were for, so I put them in the pile where I keep documents that I intend to scrutinize more carefully later on, after my death. Then I started seeing TV commercials for Cingular, but of course they did not make it clear what Cingular is, because the First Rule of Modern Advertising is: “Never reveal what you are advertising.”
Dave Barry

…each new generation born is in effect an invasion of civilization by little barbarians, who must be civilized before it is too late.
Thomas Sowell

Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.
-Henri Louis Bergson

Make love, not war.

Do both, get married.

-Two graffiti (written by different people) on a bathroom wall

To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end in life.
-Robert Louis Stevenson

Britney Spears has used up her 15 minutes of fame, and now she is using Tiffany’s leftover 10 minutes.
-The Vent

But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean&#8212sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food&#8212I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.
Dave Barry

Dignity does not consist of possessing honors, but in deserving them.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Mark Twain

Have you ever wondered why it takes a bride months and months to plan a wedding, but a good funeral can be pulled together in two days? The elements are all the same&#8212church, minister, music, flowers, guests, food.
-alert reader Lori Rispoli, in a letter to Dave Barry

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

If anything were FULLY explained, everything would be explained.
-Friedrich Hebbel

He who dares not offend cannot be honest.
-Thomas Paine

If you want work well done, select a busy man; the other kind has no time.
Elbert Hubbard

The world is moving so fast now-a-days that the man who says it can’t be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
Elbert Hubbard

Everything comes too late for those who only wait.
Elbert Hubbard

He who does not enjoy solitude will not love freedom.
-Arthur Schopenhauer

I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.
-Henry David Thoreau

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Winston Churchill

Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.
-Winston Churchill

The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.
-Winston Churchill

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
-Winston Churchill

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
-Winston Churchill

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
-Winston Churchill

If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without blood shed; if you will not fight when your victory is sure and not too costly; you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves.
-Winston Churchill

He&#8217s [Stu Miller] got a fastball you could catch in your teeth. Three pitch speeds: slow, slower, and reverse.
-Coach Jim Murray

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Right now I&#8217m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I&#8217ve forgotten this before.
-Steven Wright

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
-Steven Wright

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
-Steven Wright

If you can&#8217t hear me, it&#8217s because I&#8217m in parentheses.
-Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
-Steven Wright

OK, so what&#8217s the speed of dark?
-Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-Steven Wright

I&#8217m not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he&#8217s sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
Dave Barry

Here&#8217s my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can&#8217t, he doesn&#8217t.
Dave Barry

There are many who find a good alibi far more attractive than an achievement. For an achievement does not settle anything permanently. We still have to prove our worth anew each day: we have to prove that we are as good today as we were yesterday. But when we have a valid alibi for not achieving anything we are fixed, so to speak, for life. Moreover, when we have an alibi for not writing a book, painting a picture, and so on, we have an alibi for not writing the greatest book and not painting the greatest picture. Small wonder that the effort expended and the punishment endured in obtaining a good alibi often exceed the effort and grief requisite for the attainment of a most marked achievement.
Eric Hoffer

Add a few drops of malice to a half truth and you have an absolute truth.
Eric Hoffer

My biggest hope is that, after the war, we can get the guy who has kept Iraqi TV up and running to come to work here for the cable company.
-The Vent

Work and acquire, and thou hast chained the wheel of Chance.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
P.J. O&#8217Rourke

Scientists were rated as great heretics by the church, but they were truly religious men because of their faith in the orderliness of the universe.
Albert Einstein

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-Mike Adams

He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors.
Thomas Jefferson

It is easier to fight for one&#8217s principles than to live up to them.
-Alfred Adler

Half the secret of resistance is cleanliness, the other half is dirtiness.

I believe what really happens in history is this: the old man is always wrong; and the young people are always wrong about what is wrong with him. The practical form it takes is this: that, while the old man may stand by some stupid custom, the young man always attacks it with some theory that turns out to be equally stupid.
-G.K. Chesterton

He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

The Hebrews have done more to civilize men than any other nation. If I were an atheist, and believed blind eternal fate, I should still believe that fate had ordained the Jews to be the most essential instrument for civilizing the nations.
-John Adams

Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice versa.
-Casey Stengel

If someone from Germany or somewhere, who had no idea what baseball was, saw
Kruk play, he&#8217d wonder what the beer truck driver was doing playing first base.
-Andy Van Slyke

I would think I drive most hitting coaches crazy. During one single at-bat I used six different stances on six pitches. Oh, yeah, I also struck out. So what do I know?
-John Kruk

Tomorrow&#8217s weather is supposed to be sunny and hot. Tonight&#8217s weather will be moony and cool.
-The Vent

Confronted by outstanding merit, there is no way of saving one&#8217s ego except by love.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Science is facts. Just as houses are made of stones, so science is made of facts. But a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science.
-Henri Poincare

Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself.
-Desiderius Erasmus

France hasn&#8217t figured out yet how to surrender to the weather.
-The Vent, after a recent spate of summer-heat-related deaths in France

Scissors Kills Paper, Rock; Turns Blade On Self
The Onion

[O]rganized violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-George Will, defining football

We are an intelligent species and the use of our intelligence quite properly gives us pleasure. In this respect the brain is like a muscle: when it is in use we feel very good. Understanding is joyous.
-Carl Sagan, Broca&#8217s Brain

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn&#8217t need its brain anymore so it eats it. It&#8217s rather like getting tenure.
-Daniel C. Dennett, Consciousness Explained

Science is what you know. Philosophy is what you don&#8217t know.
-Bertrand Russell

Physics is very muddled again at the moment; it is much too hard for me anyway, and I wish I were a movie comedian or something like that and had never heard anything about physics!
-Wolfgang Pauli, 1925

I do not like it, and I am sorry I ever had anything to do with it.
-Erwin Schrödinger, on quantum mechanics

…all nature is perverse & will not do as I wish it.
-Charles Darwin

Without men, civilization would last until the oil needed changing.
-Fred Reed

Goths, Vandals Invade Rome, IL
The Onion headline

Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I&#8217ll show you a man who can&#8217t take his pants off.

As we delight in the strange and exotic beauty of orchid flowers, it is salutary to reflect that we are, in essence, looking at their genitalia.
-a British biologist (from The Beak of the Finch)

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man’s superiority to all that befalls him.
-Romain Gary

There&#8217s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that&#8217s your own self.
-Aldous Huxley

An apple every four hours will keep six doctors away.
-The Vent

I only wish we could clean things with fire. That would make things so much easier!

Sign seen in a print shop: &#8220Good, Quick, Cheap&#8212pick two.&#8221
-The Vent

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you&#8217ve got it made.
-Groucho Marx

We have been so anxious to give our children what we did not have that we have neglected to give them what we did have.
-The Vent

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
-some corny senior-quote-like saying I read in Sarah&#8217s AIM profile

Sir, I have found you an explanation, but I am not obliged to find you an
-Samuel Johnson

Hmm… I wonder if it can match porn stars…
-Kelly, on the Oracle of Bacon, in his desperate search for an actor with a Bacon number of 3

When looking for a reason why people do certain things, never rule out sheer stupidity.
-Walter E. Williams, on airport security screeners

It may be just coincidence, but man&#8217s best friend cannot talk.

Whenever I don&#8217t feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over…and they share the same asshole.
-Jay Mohr, supposedly quoting Buddy Hackett

It is good to die before one has done anything deserving death.

God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars.
Elbert Hubbard

Those who wish to sing always find a song.
-Swedish proverb

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely
try to help another without helping himself.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.
-Chinese Proverb

If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person
If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house
If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation
If there is order in the nation, there will be Peace in the World.
-Chinese Proverb

I said to my doctor last week, &#8220My penis is burning.&#8221 He said, &#8220That just means someone&#8217s talking about it.&#8221
-Billy Crystal

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
-Mel Brooks

A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be.
-Anton Chekhov

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
Mark Twain

This woman has been married so many times, she suffers from bouquet elbow.
-David Letterman, on Jennifer Lopez

Never in the history of Major League Baseball have so many been paid so much to play so poorly.
-The Vent

It is, in a way, an odd thing to honor those who died in defense of our country, in defense of us, in wars far away. The imagination plays a trick. We see these soldiers in our mind as old and wise. We see them as something like the Founding Fathers, grave and gray-haired. But most of them were boys when they died, and they gave up two lives&#8212the one they were living and the one they would have lived. When they died, they gave up their chance to be husbands and fathers and grandfathers. They gave up their chance to be revered old men. They gave up everything for our country, for us. And all we can do is remember.
-Ronald Reagan

Cast, Crew Of Troy Begin Disastrous 10-Year Journey Back To Hollywood
The Onion headline

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.
-Henry David Thoreau

In the long run, men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, they had better aim at something high.
-Henry David Thoreau

I became convinced that noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes), &#8220The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet&#8221

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

-Buckminster Fuller

Farmer Brown froze in his tracks; the cows stared wide-eyed back at him. Somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barked.
-Gary Larson, the caption of my all-time favorite comic

The weightlifting competition I saw was the women&#8217s 63 kg class. I&#8217m not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63 kg or the weights they lifted weighed 63 kg. Or possibly the temperature in the weightlifting hall was 63 kg. There&#8217s no way to know for sure without finding out what a &#8220kg&#8221 is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won.
-Dave Barry

Dear Friends,
Apologies for the mass e-mail, but wanted to show pictures of Bobby Jr. before we pack up! Sorry if you didn&#8217t know about the move&#8212we&#8217ve been so busy!! And for those of you who didn&#8217t know I was pregnant&#8212whoops! What a crazy nine months!! Hadn&#8217t heard I&#8217d gotten married? Bob (he&#8217s REALLY great) and I tied the knot just after law school. You knew I quite the interior design firm for law school, right? Hope everything&#8217s good with you!! Here&#8217s my new e-mail:
-Hillary Price, &#8220Rhymes With Orange&#8221

I don&#8217t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.
-Woody Allen

Men: You know how, when your wife can&#8217t open a pickle jar, she gives it to you, and you&#8217re supposed to smile in a manly patronizing way as you effortlessly twist it open? That&#8217s not what happens in our house. What happens is, after a grim struggle lasting several minutes, I wind up lying on the kitchen floor, exhausted and whimpering, while the pickle jar, unopened, laughs and flirts boldly with my wife. Sometimes it gives me a wedgie.
-Dave Barry

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
-Rodney Dangerfield

You can learn little from victory. You can learn everything from defeat.
-Christy Mathewson

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-George Carlin

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning to a friendship, and it is far the best ending to one.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

The aim of life is self-development. To realize one&#8217s nature perfectly&#8212that is what each of us is here for.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Peole say sometimes that Beauty is only superficial. That may be so. But at least it is not so superficial as Thought is. To me, Beauty is the wonder of wonders. It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
-Ambrose Bierce, Devil&#8217s Dictionary

Always do sober what you said you&#8217d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway

…there is only one game at the heart of America and that is baseball, and only one beverage to be found sloshing at the depths of our national soul and that is beer.
-Peter Richmond

I feel sorry for people who don&#8217t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that&#8217s as good as they&#8217re going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra

You&#8217re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Welhelm

Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
-Whitstran Brewery sign

Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.

And like they say, “Whatever doesn’t kill you is probably a good reason to drink.”

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
-Babe Ruth

Dolphins evolve opposable thumbs
‘Oh, shit,’ says humanity
The Onion

There’s no better way of using the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
-Jean Giraudoux

It’s the Michael Jackson commemorative line of candy, for Valentine’s Day. It’s lovely, it’s delicious: it’s white chocolate with a nut inside.
-David Letterman

Guns don’t kill people; husbands that come home early do.
-Larry the Cable Guy

Homosexual Dolphin Has Highly Developed Sense Of Gay-Nar
The Onion

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.
-Jean Jacques Rousseau

Girls were nice to me in the same way that they would be nice to a hamster. I fantasized about wild encounters with females but knew they’d never happen unless my own involvement could somehow go undetected.
-Joel Achenbach, on college

&#220nited St&#228tes Toughens Image With Umlauts

In a move designed to make the United States seem more &#8220bad-ass and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner,&#8221 Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation’s name to the &#220nited St&#228tes of &#196merica. &#8220Much like M&#246tley Cr&#252e and Mot&#246rhead, the &#220nited St&#228tes is not to be messed with,&#8221 said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK).
The Onion

Motor Trend Car of the Year stripped of title after appearing as Hot Rod centerfold
The Onion

Don’t be so humble; you are not that great.
-Golda Meir

I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men.
-Dave Barry

You say potato, I say vodka.

Fear Factor creator’s will: ‘Heirs must eat my ashes to collect inheritance’
The Onion

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-Pancho Villa’s last words

My work is done, why wait?
-George Eastman, founder of Kodak, in his suicide note

All right, then, I’ll say it: Dante makes me sick.
-Lope de Vega’s last words, when assured on his deathbed his end was very near

I have a terrific headache.
-Franklin Roosevelt’s last words

Go away. I’m all right.
-H.G. Wells’s last words

Nothing in biology makes sense except in the light of evolution.
-Theodosius Dobzhansky

Push. Push. Push.
-sign on a door in a hospital maternity ward (as opposed to just saying “Push” or “Pull”…)

You know, that might be the answer&#8212to act boastfully about something we ought to be ashamed of. That’s a trick that never seems to fail.
-Joseph Heller (Colonel Korn), Catch-22

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
-Alice Roosevelt Longworth

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
-Johnny Carson

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Egotist: n. A person more interested in himself than in me.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-Joan Rivers

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
-Sam Levenson

Marriage: n. A master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all two.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.
-Irish proverb

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anyboydy who can write better.
-A.J. Liebling

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
Mark Twain

An ordinary man can…surround himself with two thousand books…and thenceforward have at least one place in the world in which it is possible to be happy.
-Augustine Birrell

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
-Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I went around the world last year, and you want to know something? It hates each other.
-Edward J. Mannix

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.
-John W. Raper

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
-Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men In a Boat

You can’t measure time in days the way you can money in dollars because every day is different.
-Jorge Luis Borges

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.
-Samuel Johnson

The majority of those who put together collections of verses or epigrams resemble those who eat cherries or oysters; they begin by choosing the best and then end by eating everything.
-S&#233bastien Chamfort

If you were a member of Jesse James’s band and people asked you what you were, you wouldn’t say, “Well, I’m a desperado.” You’d say something like, “I work in banks,” or, “I’ve done some railroad work.” It took me a long time just to say, “I’m a writer.” It’s really embarrassing.
-Roy Blount, Jr.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
-Miss Manners

Sex is dirty only when it’s done right.

Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
-H.H. Munro (Saki)

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man and a blind woman.
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
-Tommy Manville

You don’t know anything about a woman until you meet her in court.
-Norman Mailer

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
-Clarence Darrow

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded.
-George Orwell

How should they answer?
-Abigail Van Buren, in reply to the question “Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?”

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
-Dick Gregory

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-Edgar Bergen

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.
-Jackie Mason

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-Redd Foxx

I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash.
-Sigmund Freud

We’re all in this alone.
-Lily Tomlin, on life

Great Moments in Literature: In 1936, Ernest Hemingway, while trout fishing, caught a carp and decided not to write about it.
-Guindon cartoon caption

You call this a script? Give me a couple $5,000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself.
-Joe Pasternak, movie producer

When in doubt, have two guys come through the door with guns.
-Raymond Chandler

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
-Will Rogers

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
-George Santayana

Carney’s Law: There’s at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print the name Craney incorrectly.
-Jim Canrey

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-Pablo Picasso

Serial killer remembers neighbors as quiet, unsuspecting
The Onion

Little Debbie conquers Jenny Craig in midnight showdown
The Onion

C-SPAN releases Too Hot For C-SPAN! video
The Onion

6-year-old announces plans to become ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess
The Onion

God answers prayers of paralyzed little boy
&#8216No,&#8217 says God
The Onion

Binge-drinking, promiscuous sex good for you, says New Orleans Journal of Medicine
The Onion

Raped environment led polluters on, defense attorneys argue
The Onion

After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn’t anything good on TV.
The Onion horoscope

Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions.
-The Onion horoscope

Remember that to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk..
-The Onion horoscope

Famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them.
-The Onion horosocope

Ladies and gentlemen, a long time ago there were lots of people… But that was a long time ago.
-Dana Carvey, the greatest stand-up special ever

If you would love each other, you must first laugh together.

The only problem with that movie is that the ending was sooooo Hollywood. There’s no way that team would have beaten the Russians.
-Mike Wickett, on Miracle

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
-Carl Sagan

King Latifah returns for wife
The Onion

i’m like neo except there is no matrix and there definitely is a spoon.
-Farker falser’s profile

Student Fills In New Essay Portion Of SAT With All C’s
-The Onion

Give a man fire and he is warm for a day, light a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.
-Terry Pratchett

It’s like dealing with the Mafia, isn’t it? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shiat.
-unknown, on cunnilingus

A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
-W.C. Fields

…brainpower is the scarcest commodity and the only one of real value.
-Robert A. Heinlein, Friday

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-Ogden Nash

The answer to any question starting, “Why don’t they-” is almost always, “Money.”
-Robert A. Heinlein

        …Wine, lilies, and roses; the dark sea rolling beyond the windows under a round moon; young lovers separated for half a year, joined on a knife-edge of geography between war and peace, suddenly married, far from home; isolated, making love on a broad hospitable bed, performing secret rites as old as time, but forever fresh and sweet between young lovers, the best moments human existence offers&#8212such was their wedding night. The human predicament sometimes seems a gloomy tapestry with an indistinct, baffling deisgn that swirls around and inward to brilliant naked lovers. The Bible starts with this centerpiece. Most of the old stories end with the lovers married, retiring to their sacred nakedness. But for Byron and Natalie, their story was just beginning.
        The lavish pulses and streams of love died into the warm deep sleep of exhausted lovers: Mr. and Mrs. Byron Henry, Americans, slumbering in wedlock in the Palace Hotel outside Lisbon, on a January night of 1941, one of the more than two thousand nights of the Second World War, when so much of mankind slept so badly.
-Herman Wouk, The Winds of War

What General Weygand called the Battle of France is over. I expect that the Battle of Britain is about to begin. Upon this battle depends the survival of Christian civilization. Upon it depends our own British life, and the long continuity of our institutions and our Empire. The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us. Hitler knows that he will have to break us in this island or lose the war. If we can stand up to him, all Europe may be free and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands. But if we fail, then the whole world, including the United States, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted science. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, &#8220This was their finest hour!&#8221
Winston Churchill